What I Could Never Be
by Onimiman
Summary: Vestara's thoughts as she travels inside Ship to Korriban following her escape from Abeloth's world in Apocalypse. Read and review it at your leisure.


I knelt on the bridge of the Sith Meditation Sphere known as Ship as he traveled through the thick, blue void of hyperspace. He was taking me to another sect of Sith, he told me. One that would look past the treachery that I, for the sake of my life, had committed against my own kind, and see me as a valuable resource against the Jedi. After all, I had spent several months with them, particularly among their leader, Grand Master Luke Skywalker, and his gorgeous son, Ben; surely, these "One Sith" wouldn't cast me away like the Lost Tribe would.

Ship left me alone with my thoughts as I simply reveled in the loss of my relationship with Ben. The Sphere told me that the love I still have for Ben, the love that will go on long after my body is turned to dust, can be utilized to further my own dark side potential and make me into a greater Sith. And that's what I did; rather than wallow like most, such as the Jedi and non-Force-sensitive alike, a Sith such as myself used our emotions to build ourselves, to build our powers. It gives us focus, makes us stronger; it is the way of the Sith.

That's all I could ever be, I came to understand merely a month ago on Upekzar. I had wanted to become a Jedi for Ben, so I could be with him, so I could seek comfort in his embrace after I was forced to murder my own father in combat on Dromund Kaas. But on Upekzar, when Ben's life was threatened by a Dream Singer, I had turned on my fellow Jedi, a Falleen named Natua Wan, and sacrificed her to that monster in exchange for Ben's life. From that point on, I knew I could never be a Jedi, and it broke my heart to know that I may very well have to kill Ben one day.

So why did I stay? Only for Ben? No, I told myself. It was so that I could use the Jedi to wipe out the High Lords of the Lost Tribe; without their leadership, the Tribe could not muster the organization to target me when they'd be so busy scrambling to simultaneously rebuild their society and face down the Jedi Order. Of course, I had to admit that being with Ben was a factor. It was such a shame that he and I never went as far in our relationship, what with the threat of Abeloth and the Lost Tribe and all.

How did I plan for it to go down? Well, I knew the Jedi would be victorious when they retook Coruscant from my people, and I knew that the Lost Tribe would be broken in the aftermath. From that point on, I had only thought that I could stay with the Jedi for a few more years, have my fun with Ben, all the while further building up my trust among them, and then turn on each and every one of them as I would covertly reorganize the Lost Tribe under my rule. I would be a hero among them, their messiah as I led them into one final glorious battle against the Jedi, and wipe them out for good. I pictured myself with only one flaw; the death of Ben, under my blade. The best I could hope for in this relationship, I always knew, would be that I would have his child.

The best never happened in our relationship, because Coruscant, for all that had gone right there - the defeat of the Lost Tribe, the scattering of their numbers - was where it all went wrong. By that point, I had deduced that Amelia Solo was truly the Jedi Queen that High Lord Taalon foresaw in the Pool of Knowledge on Abeloth's world. By that point, the Jedi were ready to wipe out the Sith in one fell swoop, and we would do it in the Temple, where most of the Lost Tribe's forces had gathered.

_We_, I thought. _Why did I think _we?

_It is hard to distance yourself from the Jedi_, Ship spoke into my mind. _I understand that. But in time, you will remember your place._

I sensed no resentment or hint of menace or threat in what Ship told me. He simply said it as if it were a factual statement. I shook my head; he's right. I know I can never be a Jedi, but the thought of it was... interesting. By itself, without Ben, of course, I admit that there's a certain level of real consideration on my part for it.

But that's like saying that there's a good chance that one Jedi, even one as powerful as Ben's dad, could successfully take on the entire High Lordship of the Lost Tribe and hope to win for certain. Even Grand Master Skywalker couldn't win for all his characteristic self-confidence and downright arrogance.

All my life, raised on Kesh under the harsh rule of Grand Lord Vol and his Circle of Lords, I was irreversibly shaped and molded into something that could never be used for good. Oh, sure, I contributed greatly in stopping Abeloth with the Jedi, but who am I kidding? It was so that the Sith could still rule a galaxy rather than end up destroyed had Abeloth had her way. And it was that very selfishness, instilled upon me in my lifetime training as a Sith, that convinced me to reveal to Lady Sashal who the mysterious Jedi Queen was.

I couldn't help it. My self-preservation instincts prevailed over even my love for Ben and his love for his cousin and his love for his Order. I had no choice, really; I'd been separated from him and the rest of the strike team when we entered the Temple proper because of that initial attack that the members of my Tribe there had brought upon. If I didn't tell Sashal and her gang about the Jedi Queen, they would have surely taken me and tortured me to death for my treachery against them. There was no way that hangar door would have opened in time to allow me to escape their wrath; I had to stall my attackers at the very least.

And besides, I did Ben a favor anyway. Had I died, had I selflessly defended the identity of the Jedi Queen by sacrificing my life, Ben would have mourned my loss, believing that I was a genuinely good person worthy of his grief. Sure, he ended up mourning me in another way, but at least it was right.

_Right_, I thought. _Why is it right_?

_You believe that, for what you did, you got your just desserts_, Ship told me in a slightly scolding tone. _Again, the effects of your experience with the Jedi, especially young Skywalker, will wear down. And you will be a proper Sith again, I assure you_.

I sighed in frustration. Damn you, Ben! How could you make me feel guilty this way?! How could you make me feel guilty _at all_?

After all, when that hangar door finally opened, and Sashal commanded me to assassinate Allana, I had deliberately spared her life and aimed that thermal detonator away from her to hit her grandfather's legendary ship. For all the evil that I have inside of me, I couldn't do that to a little girl, especially one of Ben's cousins. My death would have hurt him all the same as me killing Allana would have, so either way, the only pain Ben suffered in the end was the futility of trusting me.

At least I got to be with Ben one last time when we fought Abeloth's Lady Korelei avatar on her homeworld. Ben was so stubborn in not resorting to the dark side, and as much as I hated him for that, that's what I loved him for, too. But why do I love him for that? Is it because I see him as what I could never be? Something better than a Sith? Do I hate myself so much that I can't stand to be this? Do I really want to be a Jedi after all?

Ship didn't respond this time. I continued with my thought process.

In the end, though he never once resorted to the dark side, Ben and I managed to kill the Korelei avatar; from that point, I thought I could still be with Ben and the Jedi Order for a little bit longer, if only to try to find a way to restore the Lost Tribe for my good graces behind Ben and everyone else's backs. But when Jaina Solo, Ben's older cousin, landed and prevented me from joining the ship with Ben, I knew that any hope I had of being with the Jedi was gone.

I'm thankful Ship came down to save me, so I could join this One Sith against the Jedi. But still, deep down, on some minor level, there's some regret that I could never be a Jedi. Partly for Ben, partly because I know what kind of person I am.

And what is that person? One who seeks the power to better herself, to show all others who are too weak to defend for themselves that they should kowtow to her reign? It is right, I told myself. For it is the way of who I am, a proud Sith Lord.

For what I could never be, not for myself, not for Ben, not for the rest of the galaxy, is a weak, pathetic Jedi.

Ship finally came out of hyperspace at the end of this train of thought. And before my eyes, in Ship's suddenly-transparent viewport, was a barren red world with only few clouds immersing its skies. While the world itself was unimpressive to the naked eye, I could feel the dark side of the Force radiating from it like a planet could feel heat from its parent star a standard light year away. I could feel the welcoming, dark embrace of the collective presence of the One Sith urging Ship and I to come and join them.

While I could never be a Jedi, I knew that I was always destined to be a Sith.


End file.
